Pirates is, quite simply, the Citizen Kane of pornography. It cost over a million dollars to make, which apparently is a ton for a porno, and let me tell you every penny made it to the screen. Even the opening credits are quite classy compared to most adult films:

Our story begins with a young and virginal (yet oddly hairless and augmented) couple, out sailing the upon the open sea for their honeymoon. Soon enough their ship is attacked by a nefarious pirate captain and his beguiling, but deadly, first mate. The freshly minted husband is taken captive and his unfortunate wife is thrown overboard. She is soon spotted by a neophyte pirate hunter and his beguiling, but deadly, first mate. The soggy honeymooner tells the band of pirate hunters her tale and after some soul searching they all decide to hunt down this infamous and terrible pirate, Captain Victor Stagnetti.

So they set off for whore island... where there are these people... and, um... you see there's this bartender, right?... and a priest is involved somehow... maybe some Incans too... and um... there's this beguiling, but deadly, first mate... did I mention there was a magic knife or something?

Ok, so I kinda lose the story there once things get rolling.

Needless to say, while this movie has about a million times more plot then your average porno, it isn't exactly a Cormack McCarthy adaptation, instead we encounter situations like this:

But I'd be remiss if didn't mention the few shining moments of dialogue so beautifully crafted as to be worthy of the bard himself:

Of course the central question you have to ask yourself when making a pornographic movie is "What does our audience want to masturbate to?". Apparently the writers of Pirates felt the answer was magic powers, digital skeletons and computer generated sea battles.

Here is a fine example of grade A wanking material:

I think one scene in particular shows significant insight into the mind of their target audience, it's the scene in which the fornicating gentleman bursts into an awkward crying jag within moments of finishing the reproductive act, an event no doubt mirrored by many of the masturbators playing along at home: