Disclaimer: I Love this movie.

I mean, seriously, I genuinely love this movie. Oh sure, I know It's cheesy and absurd and I certainly love it ironically for it's many shortcomings, but that doesn't change the fact that deep down I really truly love this movie on a totally non-ironic level. I find it to be a beautiful paradox: I think it is the best movie, like, ever. I also think there is absolutely no area of the film that clearly couldn't be drastically improved.

I am willing to guess I like this movie more then anyone else on earth. Well, at least more then anyone else who owns multiple Krzysztof Kieslowski films. So for this write-up I'm going to change my usual routine and instead simply offer ten random things I love about this movie, in no particular order.

#1 - I Love The Intro.

#2 - I Love The Crotch Chainsaw.

There is so much beauty in this world.

#3 - I Love The Annoying Tinkling Ball.

Sure I enjoy all the crappy future decor, but this has to be my favorite. In our hero's bedroom there is this light up rotating sphere filled with crazy future crap. Its only apparent purpose is to fill the room with a never ending drone of madness inducing tinkles. Every scene inside his apartment features that fucking thing grinding on endlessly. It is annoying when you just have to hear it for 30 seconds, just imagine that goddamn thing polluting your ears every waking moment. I can only assume these things inspire so many psychotic breakdowns that the future-police just refer to murder/suicides as "globe-jobs" or something.

#4 - I Love That The Government Wants To Get You Pregnant.

And they ain't shy about sharing it.

#5 - I Love The Joy Of Getting To Eat Real Meat Tonight!

Every time I eat a military grade hotdog I thank my lucky stars that I live in the Pre-Nuclear Holocaust.

#6 - I Love That The Test To Become A Robot Jock Is Exactly How My 12 Year Old Self Pictured The Process Of A Sperm Impregnating An Egg.

#7 - I Love Fact That Alexander Has Probably All Ready Killed Me, Right There.

#8 - I Love That, If I'm Lucky, I Just May See Tex Conway In Hell.

This is probably my all time favorite movie death scene. And deep down I've always hoped that's the way I leave this mortal coil: diving down a silo to avoid justice after my various evil schemes have been laid bare.

#9 - I Love The Last, Beautiful, 90 Seconds Of This Fine Film.

#10 - I Love That They Tried To Have A Point.

You see, this movie was written by Joe Haldeman. He's an author probably best known for 'The Forever War' which is a SciFi novel as extended metaphor for the insanity Haldeman experienced after being drafted into the Vietnam War. The key about Haldeman is that his experiences in life have left him with a profound insight into topics like the cruel absurdity of war and the inhumanity of the bureaucracies that start them. Unfortunately while he may have deep ideas, his actual writing skills are exactly what the cynical among us would expect from a stereotypical Science Fiction writer.

In this particular case he penned a bold allegory for the madness of being a soldier, killing and dying for unfathomable reasons simply in the service of the state. It even climaxes in a symbolic battle sequence where the main combatants metaphorically descend backwards through the history of warfare: It opens referencing our current 'space age' military with the warriors literally dueling in Space. Soon one of the robots converts into a tank like machine, signaling us back into the 'modern era' of 20th century warfare. Next the combatants lose the machines all together and begin using makeshift axes and spears, launching us back into a state of medieval warfare. Eventually they regress to man at his most primitive, simply grabbing a rock to whack the other dude's noggin. Finally they must ask themselves, on behalf of every soldier history has produced from prehistory to today, what exactly have we been fighting for?

But in the end, despite the high concept flourishes, it's a movie about giant freaking robots zapping each other with lasers and sawing each other with their crotch blades. It's got cheesy acting, absurd special effects, preposterous plot holes and crudely manufactured sets. That is exactly why I love this movie, because you can tell deep down at least some of the people involved in this film thought that they were making something meaningful and powerful. But they flew, Icarus like, into the sun and we are left with this heaping pile of B-movie wreckage. It is a monument to all those who have had a vision of something profound, yet have utterly failed to achieve it.

Bless its heart.